Performance Anxiety

Question: My partner and I are in our mid-thirties and have been together for fifteen years.   We are new to the swing lifestyle, and we have a problem I don't know how to even discuss with my husband.  When we have sex, he doesn't really have a problem getting hard.  He's a little slower than when were teenagers, but it's not that bad.  Yet when we have tried to hook up with other couples, he really gets nervous and has a lot of trouble getting hard.  It's very embarrassing for him and for the other couples involved.  What do I do?

Answer: Unless your partner has a serious medical condition, there are a number of drugs available on the market to help in those moments of performance anxiety.  More on this later, but your problem is not the availability of pharmaceutical help; your problem is an issue of communication.  "Doesn't really have a problem getting hard?"  One has to wonder what other areas of your life the two of you aren't communicating with each other, and also in what areas you aren't communicating with yourself.  

In every circumstance where couples have a challenging issue in the swing lifestyle, two things are absolutely true: 1) Problems don't get better with time, and; 2) Communication with yourself, your partner, and others is an essential skill.  Many people hope their problems will magically go away without the need to actually take action to solve them.  This head in the sand approach causes problems to get worse, not better. 

Here, you and your partner have ignored a problem that has actually been around for a long time.  You are obviously a caring person who has learned how to be patient and how to be so tuned into your partner that you help him past your mutual problem without really talking about it.  This is very commendable: Most men would rather catch rattlesnakes bare-handed than to talk about their feelings, especially where a problem with getting hard is concerned.  But really, the time has come to talk to your partner about this delicate issue. 

Your partner is obviously aware of the problem, and talking with him about it will help him take the scariest step a man can take: He really doesn't want to talk to the doctor.  Some men go to great lengths to avoid 'the talk with the doctor.'  They will buy Super Anonymous Stiffy Pills, Herbal Pecker Erector Protector devices and fall for every Internet scam under the sun before ever admitting that they have a medical problem that needs attention.  Compassionate communication with your partner will greatly improve you your sex lives, and your lives in general.  Speak with the love you obviously have for him, provide gentle encouragement, and you can solve this problem together.  Oh, and if all else fails, drag him to the doctor.